Real Life Stories Of The Marijuana Boyz
Within a week Migs was back out of the hospital and down at G.R., with us again. It was good to have him back, though it had only been a week, it seemed like our good friend had been gone longer.
The only real lasting scars from the whole “Biker Gang” escapade was left on the crew of bikers. The police had tightened their leash on our expedient ole town. The news was abuzz with stories of raids and police arrests. As it was hardly possible for the depressed crew that kidnapped Luey, and harm our good buddy Migs; to blame a bunch of teenage boys – that didn’t go over so well. So the streets were mumbling about a payback of sorts. We were on our toes.
As it turns out, there is even an ethic amongst certain biker gangs too:
1. We don’t hurt Women or Children.
2. When a member screws up, the responsibility of the reaction falls upon that member.
There are more, but you get the point. Two days after the incident they found a body floating in Lake Ontario. Hands, head, and feet removed – It was an obvious message. The body was identified by the victim’s girlfriend – He was the ranking crew member of the biker’s that were in on the kidnapping. A message had been sent, and we had seemingly been given a pass.
It was about this time of the season when all the College and University girls were around looking for jobs. It was a good time to be young. It was a good time to work in a pub – and be young. Pearce always hired the cutest girls. He wasn’t sexist, and he wasn’t discriminating …no! In his words: “Pretty girls sell beer – It’s a done deal!” And as a bit of an entrepreneur myself, I could see the logic. The summer of ‘93 was looking to be the summer of our lives! Pearce had hired two twins and a beautiful exchange student. The twin’s names were (And I’m not making this up – these are the Real Life Stories of the Marijuana Boyz!) Caria (Pronounced Ch-are-ee-ah) and Tandy (Pronounced Tandy – Idiot!) – Slutterton.
Imagine being a young man and hearing the surname “Slutterton” for the first time, and then the fact that there were these two older twins – who weren’t so awful on the eyes. (This name practically did all the work for us!!) Well the jokes at the G.R. just wouldn’t conclude. At the top of our lungs we’d yelp to a traditional Hockey tune:
Slut-Slut-Slut -Slut
Slut-Slut-Slut-Slut
Slut-Slut-Slut-Slut
Slutter -tee -Slutt-er-ton!
And we’d laugh for hours. The echoes bouncing off the cave walls – We were young boys; we were rude and despicable when we were together, but this never left the G.R. We had an “Eddie Haskell” approach to our daily duties. We tried to be kind and courteous to everyone who was the same way with us. But together – We behaved more like animals at times – as young men most certainly do. We had the redeeming quality of a moral standard, and it fit within our code. But can you really blame us, I mean “Slutterton”.
Caria explained that her first name came from somewhere her mum used to live in South East Asia – She hated it! Tandy, well she was Tandy – cute but not all there sometimes. After getting to know them a little bit more, the girls were alright. Caria was far more interesting – but she had her stoner moments as well – I knew right away that both sisters smoked. They were, you know, the type. And the obscure pauses; the random forgetfulness; the giggly behaviour – you could honest tell. They were pretty cool girls actually.
Now the foreign exchange student, her name was Viyonna Viter (Pronounced: Vee-yo-na V-I-ter). She had dark hair, murky eyes, and an angel like face – perfection. We never did figure out where she was from, and she never did talk all that much about her home. When she did talk though, she’d talk of Philosophy, Music, Science, the Earth, Politics – she knew something about everything.
I had pictured in my mind that she had come from a small Eastern European country. Without two coins to rub together and a family that could not succor her, she became and academic genius. She had studied the Arts, Humanities, Sociology, World Politics, Philosophy, Languages, and mastered them all. She seemed so simple because of her beauty, but so complex when she spoke. She was an enigma to a young lad. She was – perfection. But there was no way in hell that anything could ever happen. She was 5 years older at least, and besides that – she was perfection!! (I did mention that she was perfection, didn’t I?!!)
Migs had a gig down around the corner from Pearce’s pub. So a few of The Boyz met up after that and hooked up with me at work. Now it seemed to me that more often than not, The Boyz were spending more time at the bar than usual. Pearce encouraged their presence and even slipped them a pitcher of draft once in a while. He did this for one good reason. “I make damn good money off a block of mozzarella, a sack of potatoes, and a few cans of gravy – Hell I rake in about $100 profit per sack of potatoes. Poutine my friend – it’s a done deal!”
I liked Pearce. I thought his capitalistic interests always weighed heavily on every decision he made. He had morals and values, but laws and ethics – the line was grey. I liked that, but hey I was just a young, impressionable, and an entrepreneur. Pearce showed us how he bent the laws – just a wee bit -and the lesson learned kept us one step ahead as well. Pearce taught us all.
Anyways, The Boyz had been showing up more often – it had seemed to me – with these three ladies waiting tables and tending bar around the pub. I heard Pearce order 10 more sacks of potatoes; “You boys are always so hungry” he shrugged – I smiled. The Boyz came in, after Migs gig down the way. They ordered two large Poutines.
“And a free pint each gentleman?!” Pearce winked and smiled.
You scrutinize, Pearce wasn’t really losing since the poutine actually cost a lot more than a regular poutine. Two orders were charged as four orders and one order covered his cost on any beer. The division into four different poutine orders allowed Pearce to claim the money on food, which was taxed less and still not lose on the beer as The Boyz actually did pay for it! Brilliant – The Boyz didn’t mind this because they got to hang out at a bar hassle free – no need for ID – and drink beers!
By this time our good buddy Shruggly-Soft was back in town. He’d been away at a “Special” Football Camp. Shruggly-Soft was a gentle ginger haired giant. He stood six foot two in Eighth grade. He hit a growth spurt in Tenth grade and shot up to Six foot Nine. He was a heavy-set guy with rounded edges (hence the term “Soft”) But this was deceiving because he was as strong as an ox.
Now the reason I say it was a “Special” camp, I mean that Shruggly-Soft had to “Shrug-off” to summer school (That’s what we nicknamed his time away – the “Shrug-off”), but it was really a “Special” camp because it had the dual focus – Academics and Football. It cost a lot of money, but his parents loved him – he was their Ginger-Head (Really, that’s what his mum called him. We loved it!! His mum referred to him as “Struggles” too. That made us crack up!!)
“Terrible Struggles, he still struggles with his English homework. Rodney, do you think you could help him with that? ” She’d asked me. “Certain thing Mrs. S, be happy to, he’ll be an A student in no time!!” The Haskell routine worked like a charm. (I wrote every single assignment for “Struggles” from that point on. He was an A student – in English.)
I always called him Mr. Soft, it kinda stuck. (He also played hockey with Luke, Mikey and the other Boyz that played – he was their goalie. They called him “Wall”.
“You can beat him low if you’re good, but try and go high, forget it – he’s as wide as a barn.” Luke used to say.
Mr. Soft has had many names over the years we’d known each other.
I told the boys that I expected Mr. Soft around 12am or so. Davidido was too busy flirting with Caria to hear. Migs was talking to a local groupie, but Ramon and Luey both smiled and slapped hands.
“We bet Davidido fifty bucks that Mr. Soft wouldn’t last more than two weeks in that camp!”
Davidido reached for his wallet and broke out a recent fifty dollar bill. I smiled.
“Hold it Davidido!” I said with a grin. “How long do you guys think this school runs? ” I asked Ramon and Luey. Both looked at each other – then me -then each other – than simultaneously they both blurted
“Four weeks!”
“Summer School lasts four weeks.” Ramon stated slightly puzzled at my grin.
“Not this Summer School, it lasts two weeks – it’s “Special”" I said with a vast and boisterous grin.
“Get your money Davidido – you’re owed.”
“That’s accurate boys, I’m owed…” he said mimicking my tone.
“I don’t believe it!” Luey said.
“Ask Mr. Soft when he gets here” I retorted.
“But you guys owe Davidido some money.”
I don’t really know if Davidido ever got his money, I do know that Ramon and Luey were out for blood with me though (In that I’d cost them and I now owed them kind of sense). I’d honest lost them Fifty each!! We we’re all equal in The Boyz. Some days you could be a target, and sometimes the hunter – sometimes in parties, and sometimes alone. It kept you on your toes, but it was all in well-behaved fun – Pranks really – The Boyz will be boys!
Mr. Soft was arriving soon and I was finishing up my last load of dishes, mainly pint glasses and plates. V (as I referred to Viyonna) was out the back door on the stoop having a smoke. (The stoop was raised about three feet off the ground. Pearce’s place kind of sunk a little to the front. That or the stoop was built in a drunken fury. Either scenario was plausible!)She was looking in and watching me as I finished. I looked over and laughed – probably said something really dumb and 93ish like “Take a narrate, it’ll last longer!” – because I remember the scheme she laughed so loud and full and rolled inside-out of the doorway so fast I thought she had fallen. But her smiling face peered back in.
“V, what are you doing. You’re crazy, you’re gonna fall off that thing and hurt yourself.”
“Don’t grief – I’ll be fair” as she continued to sway in and out, and in and out….
I could hear a boisterous laugh in the next room and I knew that the Ginger Giant – Mr. Soft – had arrived! I pulled V in as she flicked away her cigarette and I brought her around to introduce Mr. Soft. There were cheers and jeers all across the bar as we rounded the inside corner going to the main bar. I could already scrutinize the ginger head of the giant.
“Mr. Soft – How the hell are ya – Mr. Soft?!!” He turned to see where the shouting had started from.
“Rodney Renton you cramped bastard – I missed ya…” he turned towards the Boyz at the bar “…I missed all you guys…”
“Don’t be such a wuss! You were only gone two weeks you Ginger-head!!..” Ramon shouted.
“And you cost us fifty bucks you idiot – Since when is Summer School only two weeks?!” Luey added.
And hear came the laugh.( Now I’m not clear if this is written correctly, but it is phonetic -kind of):
“HHUFFUHHUFFUGHGUFFUUHGHHHGUFFUGHHUFFUFFUHFFBOOOUFFURUFFHHHUFFUUFFUNUFFF…” In a baritone continuous way that sounds like some sort of hilarious tribal rhythm and bass section. It is Mr. Soft’s trade mark.
As we are all welcoming Mr. Soft’s return from his “Special School”, the doors of the pub burst initiate and Luke, Mikey, Treefrog, Jay-Bird (Jay’s new nickname given by Neil), and R.J. came flying in.
“Boyz, Boyz, Boyz,…Trouble down at the ole Chemistry lab -big exertion -One of the girls has been assaulted down on the walkway leading to the parking lot – It is enormous boys – this is the third one over the weekend – some are saying it is the work of a syndicate!”
“Shut up R.J., you’re beginning to sound like “Chunk” again!” A”Goonies” reference that suited R.J.
“No but really guys, Stew is waiting for us…” Mikey said with a hurried tone.
“We gotta get goin’! This thing just happend!!” Treefrog was wired it seemed.
“I got my brother’s VW van!” Jay-Bird yelled.
“My car is here!” said V.
“I’m with V!” I yelled prematurely and obviously.
Everybody gave me the three second stare. (The one that actually seems like three minutes, but is probably more like two to five seconds – I just call it the three second stare – average it out you see.)
“Mr. Soft, you arrive with me.” I said
Migs, Ramon, and Luey all ran toward the door. “We’re in the VW!!” they yelled.
We were off!! The twins had gone home earlier that night. (They rented the big six bedroom house around the corner. It was about a hundred years old, maybe more. It had been refinished and converted to a landmark of sorts. We just called there house “The Mansion”.) We passed by The Mansion and gave a continuous honk and scream – nobody seemed aroused. We continued down the one-way street for a few minutes – well over the limit and the wrong way – until we finally made it to the chemistry department on the University campus.
The Cherries were blazin’, and the crowds had started to convene. It seemed a hopeless crime scene, as the arriving officer had only partially taped off the scene and the wind on the lake had really turned itself up a notch! It was turning into a dreadful day for that poor young officer. Uncle Mike arrived on the scene soon after and gave the poor guy hell. It had taken over an hour to secure an assault scene though!
Uncle Mike saw us through the spotted crowds.
“What are you kids doing here? ” he cocked an eyebrow.
“Just looking for Stew, he has an advanced Chemistry lab here on campus during the summer Uncle Mike…” Ramon said with confidence.
“And do you know what lab Stew may have been in? …” asked Uncle Mike.
“No…noo…No..” We all stammered.
“Do you fellas know the girl who was assaulted? “
“No…noo…No..” We all stammered again.
“Yes….I think I do Officer -I think I may know the girl – Is her name Gloria Glanchevy? “
“Yes!…Yes it is!!…How do you know her miss?? …Miss? “
“Viter, Viyonna Viter” V said pleasantly.
“How do you know her Ms.Viter? ” Uncle Mike encouraged.
“She…she’s my roommate. Is she alright? … Where is she? … What happened? …” It seemed a bit of shock was setting in, and I quickly retrieved a blanket for V, from the ambulance on site. Uncle Mike took her over to an ambulance to talk.
“You boys finish here, I may need to talk to you!” Uncle Mike pointed back at us.
“Yes Sir, Uncle Mike, Sir!” We all shouted. (The good ole “Haskell” routine again!!)
As soon as V and Uncle Mike disappeared into the car parking lot, Stew arrived carrying a baseball cap (which was outlandish because Stew was too vain to wear a baseball cap.)
“Boyz, you’ll never guess what I saw… I saw the attack…”
“What…you saw the attack! …Why didn’t you do anything?!!” Ramon started in at Stew.
“Wait,.. I did..I was in the middle of heating an experiment with the Bunsen Burner and saw it happen from my window….Here come check it out!..” Stew ran and we all followed.
Stew ran down into the Chemistry building through the basement entrance. The police had yet to seal that entrance, and we made it through, even in the bunch that we were. Down two corridors and through a room of computers, we finally arrived at the lab. Stew pointed through a astronomical rectangular window and said “It happened right there….” He pointed to a vast tree by the lake.
“By the time I ran outside and got to her, there were two other guys by her side. This hat…” he said while shaking the baseball cap in his right hand, “…was the only thing the other guy left behind. He was off after the attacker when I got there….”
“Good to know people still care a little.” mumbled Ramon.
“I did get this…” Stew pulled out a piece of silk about half a meter in length – It was black.
“What’s that Stew? ” asked Luey.
“Looks like a child’s Karate belt.” Jay-Bird said.
“Too light – not sturdy enough.” Luke said as he picked it up out of Stew’s hands.
“So what do we do? ” asked Mr. Soft.
“This…” Stew snatched the piece of material back from Luke “….is important. Gloria told me she hit the attacker in the face and he was bleeding on her. I bet some of that blood will be on this silk material.” Stew said with a bit of a wiseass look.
“Wait a petite you talked to Gloria…..” said Luke.
“Shouldn’t you be talking to the police? ” asked Luey.
“Yeah, but I needed a part of this material with enough blood on it to accelerate some tests. I’ll give it to Uncle Mike and say I found it blowing in the wind!”
“What do you mean “run some tests” Stew? That is evidence, besides what could you figure out from a little blood? ” Ramon said – as if having a little go at Stew as well.
“Well I just thought that since the University was already doing studies tracing blood DNA befriend to original donors, a sample may objective come in handy….But if in all your wisdom and knowledge, you can contemplate of a better map than you’re all ears – Dumbass!!” Now Stew was having a go at Ramon.
(Everyone got a chuckle from the last part as it referred to one of Ramon’s more cartoonish features, his humongous ears. R.J. laughed a little too long and Ramon punched him moral in the kidney. He dropped like a stone. We laughed some more – and so did Ramon now!)
“Well, let’s secure a sample and test ‘er out!!!” said Ramon.
“Wait a minute – we can just take the sample tonight. We have to wait till morning to get back in. I’ll leave my Laptop and this cap in my locker for safe keeping, and then, at the most, three of us can gain in here and accelerate the test tomorrow. Tonight, all I need is a pair of…”
“What are you looking for Stew? ” Mr. Soft`s eyes followed Stew`s hands as he rummaged.
“Ahh….here…I need some scissors.” He reached into a drawer and drew some scissors
“…cut a sample and put it back… and now off to report to Uncle Mike. Oh, once I make sure to leave my laptop in my locker.” Stew put a finger to his dimple like an idiot!! Put his laptop and the stranger’s cap in the locker and locked it.
“Now, we better get out of here before someone sees us here!” he said.
Once outside we all split into different groups. Stew went to talk with Uncle Mike. R.J. Treefrog, and Jay-Bird went off to secure another vehicle or two (In case the day’s duties may require, which was probably inevitable). Luke, Neil, Mikey,and Luey went relieve to G.R. to gain ready for our planning session (Which was most definitely inevitable). Ramon, Migs, Mr.Soft, Davidido, and myself went to find V and get her back to the Mansion with the girls.
Mr. Soft realised he had the sample of the material Stew needed for his tests. “Ramon, I have the material.”
“Keep it hid Mr. Soft – Keep it hid, real good.” Ramon said (In an absurd 20’s movie gangster kind of inform)
We found V with Uncle Mike and Stew. Stew was just describing what he had seen and how it went down. He handed Uncle Mike the piece of Silk.
“It looks to be a woman’s bathrobe belt. High-end hotels keep silk robes for the VIPs. What’s up down here?!! Looks as if it has been cut – wait a minute….did you boys..!!!”
We were off with V. In the meantime Stew seemed to calm Uncle Mike by interjecting with a shoulder turn and chat motion – I liked to call “The Haskell Diversion” – It worked. We made our arrangement to V’s car, she was obviously shaken up, but insisted we pick Gloria up at the hospital. I told her that we had best head to The Mansion and exercise it as a HQ of sorts. I would get Jay-Bird and Treefrog to go to the hospital and wait on Gloria and bring her home. I told V that there were bound to be tests and questions, and Gloria would probably be a while. In the meantime, we’d rep her befriend to The Mansion with the twins and rally The Boyz at G.R. V wanted to come with us – we had a strict “No Girls” rule – The only person to break it was me.
crashI once brought a girl from school there last Autumn, and a few of The Boyz found out. We marched up to the quarry in the middle of October. I had to strip naked and jump in from the top cliff. It was about a sixty meter free-fall into frigid quarry water below, that was fed by springs – fed by the cool Autumn waters below the quarry – from in-between the almost freezing cold rocks. The “Penguin Dip” As it was referred to – The Boyz lined up, belts in hand; each preparing to snap it on my bare backside as I ran on by. This is before I round a little ninety degree bend in the mud – to the left – for the final jump! The Jump is critical, because if you don’t jump, well let’s just say you might feel a little scrape from the pointed limestone running along your spine – for thirty meters or so!
I had no scrape with the nudity, nor did I care about the thirty belts that were about to be upon my bare camouflage (More Boyz always showed up during punishment time it seemed!), I loved that jump – Even in October! What I hated was the freezing cool water below – and this was really to be the punishment! I flew down “Waler’s Lane” (Wale: is a mark left by a whipping or canning. In this case the marks left by the belts.) running as fast as I ever have. The only real twinges of pain came when Ramon and Davidido whipped me at the very end. It was there too, that I lost my footing and did a mid-air somersault; to the Earth shattering laughter of about thirty of The Boyz! Ramon and Davidido were on the ground rolling in laughter. I did the only thing a naked guy can do in that location – I sprinted at the cliff full force and dove head long – like a handicap swan – into the waters below. The cold water was the worst part! The Boyz had such a laugh. Stew and Luey jumped in after me to show there were no hard feelings. Ramon and Davidido continued to battle fits of laughter over the next few hours, even until this day actually; when we tell the yarn!
yarnSo there was to be no V at G.R. – and that was final. G.R. was to become a scandalous, and we agreed that HQ should be The Mansion. So once we dropped V off, we’d rally The Boyz at the G.R. and head aid to the Mansion with all the essentials we’d need. Stew and everyone would automatically meet us help at G.R. anyways – so a plan was taking shape.
On the intention back to the G.R. with Mr. Soft, Davidido, Ramon, Migs and I had “borrowed” V’s Car. I was driving, even though I didn’t even have my “learners permit” allowing me to drive. We were on our way back to the G.R., right along the main road, honest before the entrance into the dockyard I noticed the Cherries in my rear-view. Ramon inadvertently mentioned to Mr. Soft that he’d better hide the material as :
“We were in fact breaking the law by with-holding evidence… ” and “.. if we wanted those test done – he’d better hide it good!”
We had just pulled over. Now, something you (the reader) should know about Mr. Soft is that he’s not always so good within a pressure space, especially a pressure situation with an unknown authoritative figure (like a police officer) seemingly bearing down on him.
“What should I do?!.. Where should I hide it?!…..What should I do with this?!” He said in the spur of three seconds.
“What’s that?!!…” Migs said as he grabbed a card from his hand.
Davidido and I turned around to glance from the front seats.
“That ’s my..my fake ID – I got it done at Summer Camp.” Mr. Soft stammered
“Don’t you mean “Special School”!!” Davidido burst mockingly.
“Shut up!! What should I do with this stuff?!” He grabbed the ID back from Migs and held it in his left hand near the window. The officer at this point was walking correct next to the vehicle and was probably within eyesight of the stuff he was trying to camouflage.
“Under the seat!! Struggles!!” yelled Ramon
It was honest about at that second that I heard a rap-tap—tapping of the officer at the window.
“Everybody out of the vehicle, Sir.” He said with dinky trace of any type of emotion.
It was just then that I heard the second worst sound I’d ever heard to this moment in my life. It was horrible, but I examine that since I was kind of waiting for Mr. Soft to lose it in the back, I was readily aware of it.
Like a sniper not waiting for his gun to fire, but focused on the trigger squeeze and the sight, just squeezing. There it was, the metaphoric “Crack” of the sniper rifle, and to me it was horrific. It was a tearing sound, but with such force. It is still unbelievable that the officer did not hear the sound. The next eight words told me everything I needed to know:
“Sorry, Officer, I must’ve not felt that coming..”
Now this was a bad cover up for even Mr. Soft. A flatulent anus belch – The perfect excuse at the time for Mr. Soft!! (And the winks to Ramon and I did not help the situation any).
Within minutes I had the officer on the radio back to Uncle Mike. I explained we were driving V’s car home from the hospital to park it at Mig’s parent’s place for safe-keeping, with her permission of course (I lied a little – Haskellish). I also explained that we had a close connection with the last assault down on Campus, and Uncle Mike would verify this. As far as not having the proper documents to drive; well, the officer never asked! Uncle Mike explained our situation, and we were released to the streets again – me at the wheel!
As we parked the car I happened to ask Mr. Soft about the “Cracking Rip” I heard, while the Officer escorted me to the rear of the vehicle.
He paused. “I kinda….well… I just didn’t know where…where to hide the stuff, so I…I…I hid it… here…” As he struggled to find his frame from the back seat to the outside, I looked at where he was pointing. He had ripped the carpet from under the seat half way across the car to the open door.
“I slid it in that hole I made.” he said with a bit of a irritable grin.
“The Hole…” I said, “….The hole is a meter long!….. That is more like a tear in the Ozone!….. Look at the size of it… V is going to kill me!! She doesn’t even know I have her car!!!”
“Now whose fault is that?!” Migs said laughingly leaning on the front of the car while trying to light a cigarette.
He was right, I had the sole blame and responsibility on this one, but I was apt too – V was going to kill me!!
slay
PART II
We got back to the G.R. and The Boyz started to filter in. (R.J. had disappeared earlier on the other Boyz, but was found when we crawled in, eating cupcakes and hotdogs.)
“What?!!…What?!!!…..I was hungry…” is all he had to say in defence of his disappearance.
When the Boyz with the vehicles arrived, I made sure that Jay-Bird, and Treefrog knew exactly where to go – down to the hospital and wait on Gloria! (Which would involve the use of the first vehicle!) We needed to wait for Stew, and he needed to run his test, and that couldn’t happen until the next morning (I knew we would need an extra vehicle!). So the idea was to get as many contacts available on the street and start getting info. In the meantime, we’d dwelling a meeting for the morning, lay out all the news, leads, etc. and – hopefully -results from Stew’s Lab tests.
Stew ended up showing a few minutes later than expected, and he was quick to grab the material from Mr. Soft. As we all howled in laughter about the “The Immaculate ID Fumble” (as we were now calling it) we conveyed the truth to Stew about how he was very lucky to have his sample.
Stew just stood there with a slack jaw and hands in his pockets. “You Boyz were in the base line when they were handing out brains, weren’t ya?! …Idiots!….”
Honest then Ramon piped up and said “Well Stew…”
Ramon got up out of his chair in the far corner of the cave and everybody turned towards him, he began to calmly scuttle and speak:
“…. It seems to me” Ramon said while bellowing smoke out of his mouth “….that a guy who has been named after a common meal that consists of boiled vegetables and meat…”
Laughter and giggling amongst The Boyz in the cave,
“…should not throw stones at glass houses – And though we may act like Idiots sometimes…” Ramon became more emphatic about his worlds and his tone grew louder, as if a politician giving a speech -
“…for Idiots we must seem to you – Oh Great Brainy One!!- …” Laughter amongst The Boyz again -
“…But if we are such Idiots how come we always get the job done – and perceive good doin’ it!!…”
A smile now grew upon Ramon’s face as he turned to face Stew. He smiled to The Boyz on the left, and gave a nod to the Boyz on the right. A chant began to grow (Ugly-Ugly-Ugly…like a whisper).
“…How advance you come by the job done, but you’re still so damn – U-G-L-Y- Ugly!!”
The Boyz yelled out the last word with Ramon, from a whisper to a shout – We called that speech the “Unpleasant Speech” and Ramon had used a different rendition of it on many occasions – always with grand results!!
Stew hung his head, looked at the ground and in a very phony cartoonish voice he said “You’re right Boyz,….I am ugly..” as he kicked at the ground with his left shoe – a girly kick.
“Don’t worry buddy, you’re not that ugly…not like hideously…” Luke said as he put his arm up around Stew’s irritable frame.
“Shut up you Idiots!! …I was objective screwin’ with ya!!…You Idiots know I’m generous lookin’, right? … Just?!” Stew shouted to a room that echoed with laughter now.
“Ya, we know Stew!!” we all replied.
(I really reflect something deep down really died in Stew that night. Ramon’s “Horrible Speech” really left a impress on Stew’s psyche – ………Oh well!! – We were The Boyz, you had to be tougher than that!! Stew was – just a bit!!)
“Now let’s figure out how to get into this Lab tonight!! I think I can run it through the Lab and get results before they open in the morning.” Stew said.
“What do you mean? You can get in there tonight? ” I immediately asked.
“A) What kind of results are you looking for and B) What type of testing are you planning on doing? ” asked Davidido.
“I’m going to hurry a Polymerase Chain Reaction analysis to amplify samples of the assailants DNA from within the blood here on the silk. And then I’m going to run an Amplified Fragment Length Polymorphism analysis to then see if I can…” Stew began to recount his procedure at an bad pace.
“Ok -We get it Stew! You are gonna run some test – Geez, we got that!! Now what will these tests give us? ” Neil was impatient.
“We’ll be able to positively identify the attacker!”
“…..You just called him an – “assailant” – a minute ago – I’m confused!” said Davidido, putting finger quotations to the world assailant.
“The assailant – aka, the attacker – are one in the same!!” Stew scolded harshly
“Ok, ok…No need to pee your pants! Fair wanted to make sure we were all on the same page -Man!” Davidido replied. Then he wandered off, sat on the futon, and began to roll a joint.
“Ok, but just getting the DNA does nothing if we don’t have a sample to compare it to – that blood is only half the equation..” replied Ramon.
“Right, so that means we got to get Stew down to the lab tonight and in there, and then round up list of suspects by tomorrow morning. If we use all our contacts, we should be well on our way to that by daylight!!” I said trying to rally some enthusiasm.
“We’ll check on the girls!!” Migs, Neil, and Davidido quickly volunteered. As they began smoking something that looked like Tommy Chong himself had rolled.
“Good job on the J Davidido!!” I said off- handedly.
“Ok, you guys do that!! Mr. Soft, Ramon, and I will go get Stew in the lab and start those tests.” A plan was coming together, even if we didn’t yet have all the pieces. The rest of The Boyz were off to our local haunts to pound the pavement and get some leads. We’d meet up at HQ (The Mansion) and hopefully the early morning would reveal some unknown truths.
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Part III
We got Stew down to the lab, and he passed through the security easily enough. He claimed the laptop – he had purposefully left behind earlier in the day – actually had important information. As the rest of us hid in the bush I overheard Stew saying to the security guard “I’d really enjoy the time to finish this summer term paper, Sir” The well-behaved ole Haskell routine strikes again, and…
“No problem son, you just let me know before you need me to lock up.”
Ta-da! – We were in, now we had arranged to meet Stew at the window that faced the tree where the attack happened. We used the shadows of the buildings and bushes as camouflage. Not well enough it seemed.
“Hey, boys – ” a whistling sound. We all froze solid. We’d know that whistle and that “Hey, boys” anywhere. It was Uncle Mike. Busted – well kind of.
“What are you boys doing down here? Especially at this hour? …” he looked us all up and down.
“We’re objective practicing!!” blurted Mr. Soft
“You see our football coach, Mr. Miataride, said that we should keep up with our running over the summer….”
“Is that so? …” Uncle Mike wasn’t buying a word of it, but he allowed Mr. Soft to continue.
“….Yep, so I gave the Boyz here a call and we organized a midnight speed around campus!”
Mr. Soft gleamed with the smile of a water-tight alibi told. The only problem was that it was in no method water-tight, and Uncle Mike and all of us all knew it.
Luckily Uncle Mike knew us too – he looked us up and down again and said “What are you boys really doing here? “
“We just dropped Stew off, as he has some science experiment that he needs to have results for in the morning. The assault caused a delay in the lab’s availability. That’s it Uncle Mike – instruct, just droppin’ our good buddy off, sir!” Ramon replied.
Now what Ramon had done was aged the classic “Haskell” mixed with enough “truth” to cause misdirection. We had in fact dropped Stew off – for an experiment that did need results ASAP – the lab had been closed after the assault – he just didn’t know that the experiment Stew was working on concerned the ongoing investigation from earlier in the day, also using stolen evidence. – I mean, how could he? – He did know something was up though!
“You boys better get on your way then… I don’t believe a word of it, but just keep yourselves out of trouble will ya!!” Uncle Mike said, still sounding unconvinced.
“Yes Sir – Will do, Sir!!”
We all shouted as we began sprinting towards the path by the waterfront that went honest by the tree in front of Stew’s lab. He should have been there by now – if anything we were late – hence the plod. But we got there honest in time to gaze Stew hotfoot in his laptop. We huddled around the window. I tapped the secret “Rat-tap-ti-tap-tap…tap-tap”( or at least that’s how it sounded to me). Stew recognized it and came to the window. Stew had anticipated that it would be a loud conversation through the window pane. A pain, but his anticipation had lead him to write down a message on a piece of paper and put it up against the glass. It read:
“Meet me back here in six hours!!”
Mr. Soft, unfortunately, did not understand Stew’s subtle attempt at silence.
“What Time Will That Be?!!” he yelled while pointing at his seek.
“Shhhh….shut up you idiot!! The whole point of the mark was so that we wouldn’t have to yell. Six hours from now it’ll be nine a.m….” Ramon said harshly.
“Now next time, ask me before you speak – I’ll help with these things!” His tone had become almost apologetic.
“I got it now…that’s why Stew used the paper – so we wouldn’t have to cry – he’s so smart!”
For Mr. Soft the realization had finally set in. Better late than never!
“Yeah -for an idiot…” I said “Remember when we were putting the Solar Panels we stole from Mrs. Brown’s area up in the G.R.? ” I asked The Boyz.
“Yeah..” The Boyz all said.
“…All day I was saying to everyone, not impartial him, but everyone – Be careful of the Wasp’s Nest! – SO what does this imbecile do? ….”
“What” says Mr. Soft – As we all glance at him in pure astonishment.
“That was rhetorical Mr. Soft – You already know what happened, you were there – you weren’t supposed to ask what…” I prodded him gently.
“Oh yeah – He got stung by all the wasps and had to jump in the lake half naked!! HHUFFUHHUFFUGHGUFFUUHGHHHGUFFUGHHUFFUFFUHFFBOOOUFFURUFFHHHUFFUUFFUNUFFF…” (I’m not joking, he really laughs like that!!)
“Exactly!!” I said, laughing with the other Boyz now. We could be so cruel – so what – so was the valid world!!
Stew’s face and body eventually bloated to the point where he looked like a bag of marbles. Buldges, here, there, and everywhere – he looked horrific. I remember as he sobbed going into the ambulance, pleading with me, begging almost: “It hurts so much, quit with me,.. it hurts…it hurts..” I remember this because it was exactly a second later I closed the door and sent the ambulance off. Stew was being a wimp and it was his own fault – Code of the Boyz – cold at times -like the real world.
“Let’s get out of here – before we run into Uncle Mike again. Get wait on to HQ and check to notice what the others have found out!!” I said.
The Boyz agreed, still ribbing Mr. Soft a little, but off we were.
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Part IV
Once back at HQ, or The Mansion, as we normally called it. We found that we had arrived late into all the action. Gloria had arrived back about an hour ago with The Boyz and the vehicles. About half an hour after their arrival, Mikey, Luke, Luey, and R.J. burst in. Luke’s nose was bleeding and there was dried blood all over his shirt. Their story added another piece to the puzzle.
It seems that R.J. left G.R. to go and catch up with Luke, Luey, and Mikey. Half way there he stopped in at “The Beached Boy” pub. The manager had called him over and asked if he knew if Migs’ band was available for a show the following week. When R.J. responded that he did not know Migs’ schedule the manager told him to wait at the bar and he’d earn all the info to pass on.
R.J. gravitated to a bar stool quickly, and did what any under-aged, non- ID holding, young lad does – He ordered a pint!! To his surprise the bartender served it with no altercation. The manager came back – R.J. froze and the manager began to smile.
“Don’t worry, Randy, place four more on my tab for R.J here!!” the manager said to the barkeep as he passed the info to R.J.
“You’re good with me if you can get Migs to fill this situation next week – Thanks man!! Gotta run, there might be a fight in the back in another five minutes if that new waitress keeps serving those hockey hooligans! Let me know, my contact stuff is there too…” he said disappearing into the pubs rear location.
R. J. Smiled, “Always time for beer!” he thought.
He finished his first two pints rather hastily. His third went down kind of rough, but he stomached it. The next he considered the slow approach, but alternatively he chose to chug it. It was about half blueprint through this, his fourth pint, he noticed the man that sat beside him. Now at first he did not recognize the man beside him at the bar. Nor did he assume there was anything special, except the red polo dress shirt – it was bright. Four beers for a young lad in quick concession leads to distraction, and especially distractively bright red shirts – especially distractively shimmering red shirts less than twelve inches to his left. Once R.J. found a little more focus and began to look at the man beside him (Through the mirror on the bar, as to not be rude of course – i.e. Haskell), he began to realise just who the man was. It was one of The Boyz’ favourite Canadian comedic movie actors of all time. He had been involved in at least five of the most classic comedies to emerge in the eighties. He was a player in a troupe of comedians that developed in Ontario. He was a Canadian hero of sorts, and we all loved him. Though we could never, and would never disturb him around town – as we respected the need for people’s privacy – and that, our town brought him! R.J had just consumed four pints of beer as fast as he humanly could consume each pint, it was beginning to see messy.
“Excuse me, Mr….” Tapping on the left shoulder of the red shirted man, facing the other procedure on his bar stool.
“Excuse me – Mr…..Mr.”
“Why, yes son..” the man said as he excused himself from his current conversation, and spun around to face R.J.
“Ar-..Aren’t you… Stan Andriod the actor? ” R.J. asked a shrimp embarrassed by his acquire embarrassment.
“Yes, well yes, I am…and whom may you be young man? ” He politely responded.
“I am, I mean.. my name is R. J.” R.J. managed.
“Nice to meet you R.J.” Stan Andriod extended his hand to shake R.J.’s.
Now R.J. knowing that he was no-where near the biggest fan of Stan Andriod’s within The Boyz – that honour would have to be bestowed upon Luke – and knowing this fact, he put fate into action!
“Could I introduce you to one of your greatest fans? Are you going to be here tonight? …” R.J. yammered.
“For a little while.” Stan Andriod smiled politely.
“Ok…ok, I’ll be true back!”
Forgetting about his final pint of beer, R.J. ran off in search of Luke and the other Boyz once again. He ran for half a block, but had to stop as he could not handle running any further. The smell of fresh baked bread and other baked goods beckoned at R.J.’s nose and his stomach. He closed his eyes and imagined a mountain of cupcakes and a surrounding fort of hotdogs. He opened his eyes only to find himself standing directly in front of a Hotdog vender.
“I’ll have two Bratwursts with Dijon.” He said trying to sound posh and momentarily distracted from the task at hand.
Just then the Bakery, directly to his left, set aside a tray of freshly backed strawberry cupcakes out for thought in the window. R.J.’s heart pounded, his stomach began to sing, and his mouth began to water. “Strawberry, my favourite – with Strawberry cream icing and fresh strawberries on top – Heaven!” He opinion.
“Here’s the money for the dogs, man, I’ll be right back – thanks.” He said to the Hotdog vender. His focus was now on the purchase of those cupcakes.
He walked in the store and almost like the song about the puppies, “How worthy for twelve of those cupcakes in the window? ” Except the song is about puppies and the girl inquires about one!
R.J. paid for his box of cupcakes grabbed his two sausages and focused again at the task at hand – Finding Luke and those Boyz.
As luck would have it, R.J. had just polished off the last bite of his two sausages and was digging his hand into the cupcake box when he literally ran into Luey, Luke, and Mikey. They were exiting the local cafe, where Migs would sometimes perform, after talking to the owner about any leads and – BAMO!!
“AwwwwWA….You crushed them all, and they’re all over me…Idiot!!” R.J. was covered with cupcake and strawberries, and the box had been flattened by the cafe door Luke had swung open against his chest and part of his face.
“Sorry R.J…..Didn’t see you coming!!” Luke said laughingly. He was lying of course.
“Well idiot, I could have made your night – no your week- no your month – Hell, No, your year even!!…”
“Well go on R.J. tell us, and quit with the theatrics!” Luey insisted as R.J. was wiping the cupcake from his face and eating it now from his fingers.
“I was going to issue you, but you guys ruined my cupcakes!!”
“I know, it was hilarious!!” said Mikey as he gave Luke a high-five.
“Well you owe me twelve cupcakes!” R.J. said, in his sternest voice.
“Twelve cupcakes?! And how many were for you? ” asked Luke.
“All of ‘em!!” R.J. stated proudly.
“Then we just saved your skin, cause that was a sure call for early onset of diabetes and teenage Lardassity!” said Luke with a smile, and another high-five, this time to Luey.
“Right Boyz!!” Luke and the other were laughing pretty steadily now at R.J.
“I want more cupcakes before I drawl you what you’ll admire to hear – especially you Luke!!” retorted R.J.
“How much were the cupcakes R.J.? ” asked Mikey.
“Fifteen dollars!!”
“Fifteen bucks!!…” Luke yelled.
“Those things are like three dollars per fraction, normally. It was an amazing steal!! A deal I may never collect again as long as I live. A deal that only comes around once every billion years or so…”
The Boyz looked at each other and Luey, Luke, and Mikey each pulled out five dollar bills.
“Ok..ok…here’s the fifteen! …Now speak us what you know R.J.!!” Luke looked annoyed at having to pay.
“Luke man, you’re gonna love this…I was walking past The Beached Boy pub when the manager called me over. He wanted to know about Migs and his schedule next week, and some other stuff… anyways, he gave me this info…”
R.J. pulled at an envelope in his pocket. Luke knocked his hand away from it quickly, “How does that help us? ..We need to acquire some names and leads on this attack – Idiot! – not gigs for Migs!!”
“Hey that rhymes. Gigs for Migs – Gigs for Migs – Gigs for Migs!!” R.J. repeated several times out loud.
“Shut, up and tell us the story – Chunk!!” Luey said, again referring to the Goonies character, who R.J. seemingly wanted to resemble with his rambling ways.
“Ok…SO the manager gave me five free pints..”
“Five free pints! So you came to grab your three gooood buddies to share the wealth, right?!” Mikey said beaming with hope.
Everyone stood smiling, Luey was rubbing his hands together in anticipation, they were all hanging on R.J.’s next words, hoping for that elusive pint at The Beach Boy. Always a cola, never a pint – at the ole Beached Boy pub. Now a dream was about to come apt.
“No..”
The faces of Mikey, Luke, and Luey fell like dead leaves from an Autumn Maple.
“…I chugged four, and then I started to gaze at this guy through the mirror across the bar. He had a bright red shirt, which was the first thing that drew my blurred eyes. When I started to determined a bit, I noticed that the man in the red-polo -button- down was none other than Stan Andriod!…”
“You mean -you still have one pint left at The Beach Boy!? ” Luey and Mikey shouted.
“You mean Stan Andriod is down at The Beached Boy right now? ” Luke asked R.J., while grabbing him by the shoulders and facing him scrutinize to contemplate -also at the same time he put his left hand into some cupcake on R.J.’s right shoulder.
“Yeah Luke, he’s there right now!!” R.J. said stone faced.
“Well let’s go, I got my autograph book in my help pocket and…” Luke began to wipe his hand on R.J.’s jacket.
“Hey…” R.J. protested.
“…we’ll see if there are any leads down there at the same time!” summarized Luke.
“Sounds like a plan!” Mikey piped in.
“Let’s gather goin’!!” added Luey, as he began a quick jog.
“Awe, Boyz…..you know how much I hate running!!” R.J. continued to protest.
“It’s not a hurry, it’s a inch….come on!!” Mikey encouraged.
R.J. put the cupcake box in the waste-bin hanging on the street post, and then began a less than eager budge to catch up. The other Boyz were well ahead by this point. By the time R.J. caught up they were bunched up out front.
“R.J.!! ……R.J.!!” They called.
“Hey – Chunk – Don’t pull a hammy!!” Luey yelled out, as some of the passers-by even had a chuckle at that dig.
“Ha! -Good one Luey..” Luke said while chuckling at the same time.
“Near on R.J…..” Mikey said as R.J. was closing in, at what may only be reffered to as a trotting pace!
“Run up..” Mikey encouraged.
“Ok, ok…I’m here” R.J. moaned, out of breathe and the beer finally taking its physical toll.
“I thought you said he was sitting at the bar? ” Mikey kind of asked offhandedly.
“He was…five seats down from the right…” R.J. said as he furiously scanned the bar, but there was no red-shirt.
“I don’t see him guys, maybe he went into the back..I’ll go check.”
But as R.J. was stepping forward a bouncer had his arm out and nearly clothes-lined him. R.J. had to do a limbo just to get underneath in an upright position, but the bouncer was huge and had R.J. by the collar. Before anything could have been done R.J. began to talk at the bouncer.
“Hey man, I’m unbiased here to see the manager- your manager gave me this and told me to bring it to my friend – I just need to clarify a few things…just get the manager…” R.J. pulled out the envelope and kind of waved his cupcake covered arm in the direction of the back of the pub.
“Just a small.” The bouncer said. “Hey Randy, we got a kid out here wants to talk to J.R., is he free? “
“Just a sec, I’ll get him…Hey that’s R.J. he’s ok, let him and his boys in – I’ll go get J.R.” Randy said as he peered over the monster bouncer now standing in front of the door.
“You boys can come in.” The bouncer shook his head to the side gesturing towards the entrance.
“Cool!” The Boyz exclaimed, Luey and Luke exchanging yet another high-five.
All The Boyz shuffled in and bellied up to the bar. R.J. looked over at Mikey and asked him what he should say to the manger as he had not talked with Migs yet.
“Just get him to explain some phone numbers, dates and things – but secure him to bewitch you out back where you can check it out and see if Stan Andriod is still here – and see if there is anything out of the ordinary.” Mikey suggested.
“Out of the ordinary? Wouldn’t that mean that I’d have to “Ordinarily” hang-out back there? Which I do not – How am I to know what “ordinary” may be attend there? “
R.J. was being a smart-ass using finger quotations, which was completely within his character.
“Shut up smart-ass, you know what I mean – Here comes the manager!” The manager came in directly and smiled at the Boyz.
“R.J., what are you doing back? Talked to Migs yet? ” he asked.
“No.. But I do need a little clarification on the dates, and your numbers and such. Can we get some more details in your office – maybe? ” R.J. was leading him a little, now all the manager had to do was bite.
“Sure, advance on attend with me.” The manager waved his arm towards the back room, did a circled turn pivot and walked through the doors holding them for R.J. as he followed.
As soon as R.J. was through into the next room he saw the red shirt. Stan Andriod was in a booth by the back of the pub. He only seemed to have one person with him, and as soon as R.J. got a closer look he made his move.
“J.R., I left my pen with The Boyz, do you mind if I go grab it? ” He politely conventional as much Haskell as he knew.
“Sure no scrape, we’re easy tonight…The pubs are beginning to survey the effects of this last attack, I guess…No, no problem…go catch your pen. I’ll be in the office.” He pointed to the doorway at the back.
“I’ll be right back, sir.”
“R.J. call me J.R., not sir – You’re like an inverted cousin!” He chuckled to himself as R.J. turned and wondered what he had meant by “inverted”.
R.J. quickly made his intention back to The Boyz in the next room at the bar. He flew through the door and hurriedly said “Give me a pen!- Give me a pen! – Give me a pen!…..Hurry, run, hurry!..” The Boyz began to search through all their possessions.
“Here…” the Barkeep, Randy, offered.
“Thanks.” R.J. smiled
“Boyz huddle!!….” All the Boyz huddled at the edge of the bar.
“Stan the man is in the last booth!” he said quickly and covertly as if it was national security information.
Then, like that he turned and left attend towards the rear of the pub -presumably towards the offices.
“I’m going to go get that autograph!!” Luke said as he got up and began to go to the back.
“Me too, I’ve never met a actual celebrity before!” said Luey.
“I’m gonna quit here, I got something on the go I reflect.” Mikey said while staring off in a cute girl’s direction.
“Ok, suit yourself Mikey!” Luey said as he followed Luke.
Mikey wasn’t looking at a girl, he was looking at the man in slack the girl. He had a split in his lip that looked as if it had been unattended, but what was really outlandish was this man was also wearing a handsome custom velvet suit. He had long golden locks of hair, an unshaven face, and this dazzling custom velvet suit. It had to be custom, Mikey had never seen anything like it before. He kept dabbing his upper lip with a handkerchief. It was bruised and swollen. Mikey noticed he had some mud on the knees, and he seemed a little out of place somehow -Mike couldn’t do his finger on it. At least that’s what ran through Mikey’s mind. He decided he must get that handkerchief, at any cost.
He watched the man. He kept putting the handkerchief down on the table beside what appeared to be coffee. Mike guessed that if he pulled the old “Newspaper Veil Bump n’ Accelerate” trick he could make it to HQ in a spin. The game was on!
Mikey grabbed the local paper at the raze of the bar, unfolded it so that he’d obscure his own view. He walked lightly towards the man’s table and purposefully tripped over the chair directly in front of the man’s table and then, more importantly, the coffee and handkerchief. Mikey, you see, he had hands, and within a split second he had the coffee and the man’s attention in one direction, and the handkerchief and the newspaper in the other. The newspaper landed on top of the handkerchief (not an easy task considering it was spread as wide as possible), he quickly folded the newspaper up around the handkerchief.
As this was happening the three other Boyz came rushing out and yelling “Go, Go, Go, GO!!!” The Boyz ran for what seemed to be ages. A good hobble too, even R.J. kept up. It had seemed whatever happened back there in the back of The Beached Boy had really stirred them all up. They stopped in the park across the street from HQ to catch their breath.
“So what….(desperate attempts at breathing )…. happened back……(More desperate attempts at breathing) …there?!” Mikey asked, wanting to get it right.
He knew why he was running from, but had no idea what had the other three so wired. Once he caught his breath and the rest convened around him, he once again asked “So what happened back there? “
“I was impartial coming out of the office….” said R.J.
“We got to meet Stan Andriod!” Luey said beaming, while Luke grimaced.
“Yeah we got to meet Stan Andriod alright. He signed my book…” Luke took the book from his back pocket and displayed the signature.
“…And we got to talking. I told him that I loved his movies..da-da-da..how much I loved him in “Subways, Scooters, and Canoes”…you know that hit Ron Tones movie, you know the one, anyways…I told him how great I loved the scene in the canoe and the waterfall. Meanwhile Luey’s tapping me on the shoulder.”
“Stan the Man was getting pretty pissed!!” Luey said in almost a giggle, until Luke glared back at him.
“How’d you get the bloody nose, and the blood all over your shirt? ” Mike asked as R.J. looked on fair as curiously.
“I’m getting to that…Anyways, I’m going on about how great that scene was, and how I nearly pee my pants every time I watch it. By this time Luey is knocking me pretty hard on the shoulder. – “What!!” – I yelled..sorry Luey..” Luke quickly apologized to Luey mid sentence.
“…and as I turned to Luey – I had not been paying attention to Stan, and his reaction was, let’s just say less than kind. -In his defence he had been in a pub for a little while. – Anyways, as I turned back around from Luey to acknowledge Stan, he sucker punched me right in the nose!! Right in the Beak!!” Luke exclaimed, like it was a beneficial thing.
“Can you believe it? Stan Andriod hit me and drew blood!! I’m keeping this shirt forever! This is the best story EVER!!” Luke kept on.
“Stan was pissed!!” Luey intervened.
“I didn’t realize until we caught up with you (Mikey) that the whole time I was talking about Don Handy…”
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Sidebar: Don Handy was once best friends with Stan Andriod. They performed together in their Ontarian Comedic Troupe, and further more in many successful Eighties films. They had a falling out recently and Stan had lost the rights to a mega-hit comedy film released in the past year. Don Handy had won the rights in a violent legal struggle. Their friendship was a part of Hollywood history now, and that is why Luke`s nose was now bleeding.
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“I’m such an Idiot…” Luke said as he lamented. “….But that was so cool!!” he smiled.
“I know…It was cool!” said Luey.
Luey had not received a scratch, and was giggling the whole time, hardly even seemed out of breath. The whole ordeal had energized him somehow. He found it hilarious. So too, eventually would the rest of the Boyz though.
“Let’s get to HQ!!” Mikey said. “It’s right over there.” Mikey pointed to the house we called The Mansion.
Five minutes later the Boyz were in the door. Thirty minutes later the rest of us had arrived at HQ as well.
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Piece V
Those Boyz were lucky we location up HQ so close to the action. We were lucky because we could keep our eyes and ears to the ground from our local, and it was easier to keep in touch with everything that was happening. After talking with R.J., Luke, Luey, and Mikey we had a few more leads.
Mikey told me about the strange individual with the split lip and long golden hair. He told me about the broken-down “Newspaper Cover Bump n’ Urge” trick he used to get the handkerchief. We agreed quickly that the best thing to do was get this sample down to Stew. After this, he was off with Treefrog, and Jay-Bird to the Chemistry lab to find Stew.
Now V and Gloria were in the livingroom with the twins. Migs, Davidido, and Neil were in there too.
“Taking care and keeping them safe…real safe!!” as Neil put it – with a devious grin.
Migs was playing guitar, and they were switching CDs every few minutes. The girls seemed to be at ease, and The Boyz really were on their best behaviour. Then the emotion solidified.
“I want to put this album on…” Gloria said as she crawled over to the pile in the center of the room. She rummaged around and brought out a disc. She crawled over to the player and opened the lid. After exchanging the disc, she flung the other disc into the pile, everyone laughed.
She said “I like this song…”
“…I love this band.” She continued and stopped.
“Anyone who’s ever had a heart…Wouldn’t turn round and break it….Anyone who’s ever played a part….Wouldn’t turn around and hate it…..“
“The Cowboy Junkies…” Migs smiled.
“Do you know the fresh though? ” Gloria tested.
“The original was by a band called The Velvet Underground. It was originally put on their 1970 album Loaded. The actual version that The Cowboy Junkies play is from a recording dated back to 1969 though…” I said leaning against the doorframe, doing my best James Dean, cool as a cucumber stance.
“Method to go…you pass Rock n’ Roll 101!!” Gloria smiled over at me.
“I was gonna say that!” said Neil, all disheartened.
We all listened to the song, and like I said, it solidified the moment and our emotions.
“Let me in..” Ramon requested, as I was blocking the doorway.
Ramon, R.J., Luke and Luey followed, Mr. Soft was in the kitchen cooking up something.
Ramon whispered to me “We set up the attic if you need to retreat for a treat!”
I knew exactly what he meant and followed his suggestion immediately.
(Another important detail about this household is that the twins have twin Yorkshire terriers, Tom and Jerry. The dogs are actually pretty cute, and they like to be social with company, they like to cuddle, they don’t really bark. They like to play fetch with exiguous toys the girls have around the house for them. All in all, they are a pretty good pair of dogs. Sometimes though they can have a little accident in the house and cause a wee bit of a mess. Not too often, but sometimes when they get excited.)
I returned from the attic all smiley faced and blurry eyed only to be beckoned by a whisper to the entrance off the living room. I was going to check out the toothsome aromas that Mr. Soft had coming from the girl’s kitchen, but was distracted on my pursuit by this whisper.
“Psst…Psssst….Come Here!” I walked further down the hallway to find Luey crouching at the entrance.
“What do you want? …” I whispered back, but by then I was crouching next to him
“I’m here..” I said.
“Watch this…. See Ramon with his wait on to us? …”
“Yeah, so? …” I looked over and saw Ramon talking with the twins, his back towards us.
“The carpet is pretty gloomy, eh? ” Luey gestured toward the carpet with his chin.
“Yeah, again, so? ..” I looked at him puzzled now.
“You see Davidido over there changing the music? “
” Yeah, So?!!… What the hell are you trying to lisp me? “
“Watch and learn – young Squire!!” Luey said with an enormous smile.
Davidido put on an oldie, but a goody! “Let’s Twist Again”, a 1961 golden oldie by Chubby Checker.
Ramon grabbed Tandy and started to dance.
“Warmer, warmer…Colder…warmer..” Is all Luey kept saying.
“What are you talking about? ” I asked
“Look at where they are about to dance….”
I looked, and I saw it.
“Tom or Jerry – I don’t know which one of the little idiots, and I don’t think it really matters – One of the terriers has left a little exhibit, and we set up this little sting to get Ramon, and he hasn’t noticed a thing, yet…” Luey grinned.
“Wait a minute, is Tandy in on it too? I mean it is her carpet.” I asked eagerly. Luey turned to me with the face of a straight man.
“What’s that called when other things beside the intended target get hit, there’s a term for it, hmmm…”
“Collateral Wound!” I stated
“Accurate, that’s Tandy – Collateral damage.” He turned befriend to watch the mayhem he had helped create.
By the time the lyrics “Do you remember when, things were really hummin’.…” Ramon had hit the target. Direct hit – no survivors! To make things even worse, as the song began “Yeah let’s twist again, twistin’ time is here..” Ramon was twisting his left foot in a mess below, grinding it into the carpet, all while singing to his dancing partner – Tandy!
The Boyz were on the ground laughing. Luey looked like he was choking to death. Davidido almost knocked the player off the shelf as he hit the ground. R.J. dropped his hotdog on the floor, but saved his cupcake, as his stuffed it in his face and laughed more heartily than I had ever seen. Luke even looked to have a little wet mark below the waist, as he ran to the bathroom in a fit of laughter. I could not help but fracture down myself. Poor Ramon. Doin’ the twist alright, on a terrier’s turd!
The gawk on Tandy’s face when she realised what had happened – Priceless!! It was a look of horror, which I imagine most people save for their last moments on Earth. She jumped about five feet in the air, Ramon was still singing eyes closed, foot still twisting – Priceless!!
“Wha…What…What’s wrong?!” He said opening his eyes to a room filled with The Boyz dying within a fit of laughter, the girls looking squeamish and horrified.
“Wha…Wha…What did I do? ” (Which to me was actually the funniest part – the look on his face, and him not knowing – Priceless!) Then he looked down and saw what we had all seen before, he was Twistin’ in a pile of S#%&!! (Uproarious laughter!!)
Now he jumped about ten feet and ran to the bathroom, all the while keeping his turd drenched foot from stepping on the carpet by walking on his heel. The laughter continued for hours! We all helped shampoo the carpet and got the nasty remnants of “The Terrier Turd Twist Incident”, as it came to be known amongst The Boyz, out of the carpet.
After we cleaned up, most of us retired to the attic. Ramon, Davidido, and I wired a phone to the attic so that if Stew called we’d be able to answer. The girls were delighted with the cleaning job we’d done. Tom and Jerry apologized to Ramon with miniature doggy kisses (though I think he was level-headed pretty pissed at all of us). The Boyz set-up upstairs, in the spacious attic room, and began to relax. With the phone installed and our trusty bong, we were dug in for the night. The girls were safe below, and we all waited on Stew’s call.
*************************************************************************************
Fraction VI
At 8:30 a.m. the phone rang, waking Davidido and me up first, as our heads lay on either side of it. Stew was the voice on the other end.
“Boyz, get down here quick. I got some news….”
“Ok we’re on our way!!” I said.
“…Ok hurry!!” Stew replied.
Stew and I both hung up at the same time.
“Ok Boyz….Let’s get the remaining vehicles and meet Stew down at the Chemistry labs…I’ll wake the girls and tell them what is happening…”
“We could attend with that!!” Migs, Neil, Davidido,and Luey, offered.
“I can handle it, you guys just get ready to roll!” I said
I went into V’s room and told her that Stew had a lead. This time I asked to borrow the car. (She still did not know about the hole in her car’s interior yet, a conversation for another time – I thought) She graciously agreed and asked me to fill it up on my draw back. With the keys in hand, I called for The Boyz to follow. As we got out onto the porch Treefrog, Jay-Bird, and Mikey showed up with more vehicles.
“Approach on and get in, Stew sent us to prefer you up!!” They hollered at us.
“I have V’s car, I’ll follow or vice versa!!” I yelled back.
Ramon, Luey, Davidido,Migs and Mr. Soft all piled into V’s car. Mr. Soft had an unusually large bag as well. Once inside I asked him what he had.
“Treats!” he said, “For all of us!”
“What kind of treats Shruggles? ” asked Davidido trying to be cute.
“The treats I made last night while Ramon was doing the old “Terrier Turd Twist”, I was twistn’ up some baked goods. I made us some brownies, some mini-pies, a chocolate cake, and some strawberry cupcakes!”
“Strawberry Cupcakes!! R.J.’s favourite – too poor he’s not here!!” Luey said with a devious smile.
“I’ll have two cupcakes” he said, “Please.” He continued. “I’ll save one for R.J., you know he’ll love me for it.”
“Ok Luey, take two, but make certain R.J. gets one as well.” Mr. Soft instructed Luey.
“Ok Mr. Soft, I will.” That devious smile never left Luey’s face – something was up there – but there was no time for that now.
We were almost at the Chemistry labs by then, and Stew would be waiting on us.
“That was delicious Mr. Soft -Thank you.”
All The Boyz in V’s car agreed, Mr. Soft was the best Baker we knew! A real talent that would not go unnoticed amongst the Boyz, and he knew that.
“What are you guys talking about? ” asked R.J. He was standing in the parking lot waiting for us to arrive.
“What tastes so delicious? ” R.J. asked.
“Nothing R. J…..just some stuff..” Ramon said
“What stuff…I want to know what tasted so delicious!!” R.J. asked demandingly.
“Here… “Luey said, handing R.J. a cupcake.
“Strawberry, My…”
“Favourite, we know R.J. – It’s why I saved it for you – now eat up!” Luey said as R.J. build the cupcake to his mouth.
“Who made this, it’s exquisite!” R.J. exclaimed
“Just eat up and I’ll tell you after!” Luey grinned that grin again.
R.J. stopped eating the cupcake.
“Ok, what did you do to it? ” R.J. asked suspiciously.
“Nothing, I kept it for you – out of the kindness of my heart.” Luey said very honestly. Too honestly.
“I made them R.J….Ok…I made them last night and then you guys all passed out…they’re safe!” Mr. Soft finally broke his silence, but something was still up.
We were almost at the lab when I stopped and pulled Luey aside.
“You put a laxative on his cupcake didn’t you? ” I asked
“But…How’d..How did you know? ” He replied stunned
“You were way too honest, and the whole: “Eat it up and I’ll tell ya” – a Dead giveaway. So how much did you give him? “
” Two capsules…”
“And what is the recommended dosage? “
“One…”
“Good man, he’ll be fine. Just wanted to form distinct he doesn’t explode on us is all.” I said.
“So you’re not indignant? ” Luey asked surprisingly.
“R.J. eats too many cupcakes a day anyway – gluttony is a sin!! – Plus it’ll be amusing to watch him defecate in his pants!” We both laughed as we followed the rest of the guys into the lab.
Stew was speaking as we entered the lab, we sat down and listened to him, as he seemed very excited about what he was saying.
“Come in Boyz, come in…Take a seat -sit.” He gestured towards the seats we had already sat down in.
“Salvage on with it Stew..I got to accept to work soon!” Ramon shouted
“Ok, calm down everyone…Just a minute…” He sat in the professor’s chair – like an idiot.
“We did it Boyz….We’ve caught the guy guilty of all the assaults….”
“What do you mean, “WE”? ” asked Mr. Soft
“Everybody helped out, and when I say: We`ve caught the “guy” guilty of the assaults…….”
“Yeah..” We all responded.
“I mean the “guys”, plural, and that, We – The Boyz – all helped out!”
“What do you mean Stew? ” I asked.
“Yeah explain it Stew….tell us what’s happened…”
“It was simple really – Once I compared the sample from the scene to the one Mikey found…”
“It was a match!!” Luey interrupted.
“No, it was not a match. It did however register in an international Data-Bank I hacked into…”
“So, it was him? ..” Luey interrupted again, this time a small more confused looking.
“No – But I ran another sample I acquired, and it matched! …So I ran it through the same Data-Bank I hacked and got another match….”
“Hold up! You said there were two, and you got- a – match. What about the second guy? ” Ramon was getting into this, I could tell.
“Let me finish. Remember when I told you guys that there were two guys with me when I got to the tree. I also brought that baseball cap along with me, you guys remember that? …”
“Yeah..” We all agreed that we remembered that.
“Well, it was the cap that tested determined against the blood. I took a sample of hair from inside the cap and compared the DNA structure to that of the blood – There was a 99.2% match. So I called Uncle Mike and he came over…. I came smart about the missing piece of silk. I showed him my test results and showed him how I got to these results; as to kindly lend a guiding hand to the science side of law enforcement!… I also gave him the baseball cap and all the other evidence he would need to prosecute…”
“What about the other guy? You still haven’t told us about him? ” Ramon insisted.
“The other guy was actually ID’d by Gloria…. Uncle Mike set up a sting following him. He checked into a posh hotel, honest like the type of hotel that has silk robes for their customers…”
“Honest like Uncle Mike had said!” Mikey said as he looked on amazement.
“…The idiots were using stolen credit cards. So when Uncle Mike inadvertently let this information slip, I suggested he hurry the names against the Data-Bank I hacked – without letting him know how I had known about it in the first place – of course!…”
“And how did we support? ” R.J. asked, now prancing around like a dog looking for somewhere to go.
(Luey and I laughed with each other in the moment)
“Yeah, how did we help? ” asked Davidido.
“Well, we all planned an attack that seemingly worked out. With the help of Jay-Bird and Treefrog and their vehicles, we got in motion, and were able to get these tests started and completed. Migs, Neil, and Davidido – well, I don’t really know what they did, but I guess you could say they kept the girls marvelous. Mr. Soft is pure entertainment and baked goods! You and Ramon kept it all together, even when he was off practicing the “Terrier Turd Twist!!”…”
“Ok who told him…” Ramon was furious!
At that very moment R.J. let out a wicked anal belch!
“You’re dead R.J….Even if it wasn’t you who told him…that stinks! You Foul Cupcake Eatin’ Creaton!!” Ramon yelled while holding his nose.
“Let’s secure out into the new morning air, over by that tree.” Stew pointed to the tree through the lab window.
We all followed and left R.J. slow.
“I think I’m gonna try and find a toilet.” That was the last we heard of R.J., for a little while.
(Luey and I laughed like school-boys at the bullish prank – we were The Boyz though – you had to watch your back sometimes with us! Boyz will be boys!)
Once we all got out to the tree, we all took a seat on the ground and Stew began to clarify the third part.
“The blood MIkey brought in actually did register in the Data-bank. In fact it belonged to someone quite famous. I’ve been sworn to secrecy by those involved – but as a type of consolation I will tell you that there is a reward! And we are getting that reward!… Again, if it hadn’t been for Luey, Mikey, Luke, and even R.J. too, we’d wouldn’t be sittin’, so magnificent Boyz!”
“So wait a minute, there is a reward and we’re getting it? ” Luey asked.
“How much and when do we score it? ” asked Luke rubbing his hands together greedily.
“Don’t you Boyz want to know where the reward is coming from? …” Stew asked us inquisitively.
“Yeah… who? ..” We all responded, now hanging on his every word.
“Don Handy, he was one of the people trying to find this guy. He’s the one giving us the reward. In fact, Uncle Mike is suggesting to the Police Joint Chiefs that we be awarded for our aid as well. It is the second case we’ve been involved in – in less than two weeks!!…” Stew continued
“And the summer of 1993 hasn’t even begun!!” I yelled.
The Boyz cheered, but that wasn’t true -the summer of 1993 had objective begun!
*************************************************************************************
Summary
Luey and I eventually told the other Boyz of the “Cupcake Poisoning”, as it was to become known. We all had a laugh, even R.J. We used the reward to put a down payment on a house right beside the girls. “The Mini-Mansion” as we liked to call it, was really pretty expandable. We turned five bedrooms into ten, plus pretty nice living quarters. We even moved our grow-op from inside the G.R. to inside our new Mini-Mansion’s attic, using the same solar plot up from the G.R. (Or should I say Mrs. Brown – Sorry Mrs. Brown!!) Gloria, V, and both the twins thanked us again, and again!! They told us how we made the neighbourhood seem more like a family, especially us living next door. The two men guilty of up to at least twelve different attacks across North America went to jail for a long time! We felt mountainous, and life for a bunch of teenage Boyz that weren’t even old enough to drink yet – but did anyways – well it was turning out to be one hell of a ride! There was only one question I needed to have answered. There was only one person who could respond it.
“Stew, um… I just wanted to win a little more info here…So who was that guy that Mikey got the handkerchief from? … Come on Stew, you can tell me…I swear, not a word…Come on Stew!”
“I can tell you this considerable, his first name rhymes with the last name of the guy who drums for Rush, and his last name rhymes with a product that helps re-grow hair, supposedly. But that is all I can give you. Sorry.”"That’s ok Stew, I think I know fair who you are talking about… WOW!!”
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